Calm Down, Pull Up

Something I wouldn't be so happy to hear. I keep discovering things that frustrate me, make me overthink, decrease my confidence, leave me wondering whether I would rather not know.

The last few days I've been asking myself the same thing over again. How confident am I? What's the current status now? Do I want to continue? I know the answers, I always do. I have confidence, I have faith, but everybody and everything tells me not to be. Things between us have always been unsure, so dangerously unsure that I may hurt myself someday. However, regardless of all those, I'm still not willing to let go.

Rationally I still have faith. Emotionally I still have doubts. Stupidly I still care that much right after having told myself not to bother anymore. I'm frustrated, I'm confused, but I completely understand. The person I'm dealing with right now is so similar to the me of a while ago. I was selfish, I was thoughtless, I hurt people emotionally. I know I shouldn't bother thinking much, but I guess it can't be helped. It's inevitable.

I'm not fine. I'm already hurt. Still I think I can get by. If all this is what I need to be a better person, to be wiser, to be stronger, and if all this is what I need to pay in exchange for what I yearn for, then I'm willing to take on. Face what may come, and not let anything knock me down. Time will give me the answer, my job is to prepare myself to receive that answer, whether it is what I want.

What shall I do from now? I guess nothing. I've already done what I need to do and I think that's enough already. I decide to stay still, wait and see what may come. I'll be passive this time.

I'm grateful for the fact that I'm able to comfort myself, I don't rely on someone else to cheer me up. I find peace within my mind. I let myself be hurt and sad, I allow myself to cry. After that I believe that this little girl will eventually figure out a way to a brighter view.

P/s: I'm watching Suspicious Partner of Ji Chang Wook, I'm so gonna dig in other drama of him right after this.